THE COIN IN MY HAND...

I couldn't hold on to anything else,

Only the coin in my hand,

It couldn't possibly buy much,

But it was money all right,

The coin in my hand,

More than I'd held in a long time,

I should have known it wasn't enough to buy all I wanted,

It's called faith you see.


When all wits tell you there isn't much you can do,

There isn't much you can believe in.

Facing fears,

To move a step from the shores,

The signs were all there,

I could but see them so clearly.

I didn't know what else I could do,

Say,

What steps I could,

Or could not take.

Knowing thyself,

That even when everyone knows you are holding on to a lot.

All you are aware of is the single silver coin you hold in your hand,

All your fingers clutch the tightest they possibly could,

Taming your heart into blocking out the break,

That comes from taking it all out,

The fear,

That you'll have nothing left,
 
But gives you strength to clutch harder,

At your single silver coin. 
 

YOU FOUND ME...

I'd waited,
Had been waiting,
It's what I'd learnt to do best.

How else could I do anything, else?
I was promised.
I believed in it.
All powers that did promise,
Sometimes,
It's all you have left,
To believe,
Because if not that,
You are more than lost.

I hoped,
That one day I'll celebrate me.
Hope, 
Of one day belonging,
Being a part of a bigger whole.

I was lost.
I needed you to find me.
Bring me back to life.
Tell me that even when it is dark, morning will come.

I prayed.
In life it is an art you learn to master the hard way,
Because as human beings we are too juiced to be superior,
To tell ourselves we can do it all on our own.
When deep down we know that is far from the truth.
We all need an anchor.
We all need an anchor.
At every point in our lives.
We all need an anchor.

I cried.
Many times.
I could not carry it,
Bear it by myself.
Take a new step,
Treading through tides,
And it was hard.
The ground seemed more friendly than the sky.
And in most times,
I wiped them myself.

Insecure,
Not believing there was any possibility of a positive outcome,
On the ground,
Couldn't go any lower.
Unsure,
Of all chances to be rescued.

You found me,
And now,
I smile.
 

 
 

THE WAVE...

The wave won't carry me,
I'm stronger than the weakness of my knee,
For every time there is a need,
I'll blow it off and do what is expected of me,
even if it breaks what's left of me.

The night was dark,
But nothing to dim the brightness of his heart.
It had been a while since he felt the lack,
Not to say of his running-out luck.


The armour had seen better,
And all the while he knew he had a carer,
One who beat them all,
She was fairer.

But this night was darker,
She did nothing but look away,
He had been a charmer,
But that was heartbreaks away.

Every wave of  the sword,
Every fist thrown,
It was by her name he swore,
That with every distance it would grow.

But it had been a long time coming,
And the threshold of her patience was slimming,
Anything but slow.

He stared at her back,
All the while in the dark,
He'd been used to barks,
Nothing as sleek as the memories he had of her,
And here she was,
Perhaps the memories,
Same that kept him strong,
Made her weak.

She wouldn't leave,
And though he was there,
He didn't know what to feel,
Hate or love.

The wave,
Of guilt and regret,
what he should have said,
Things he should have done,
All turned against him,
Like she had.

Where does one start,
While at the very end,
The first steps,
Looking like they are your last.

When all powers known to you,
Seem to be against you.

His armour,
Had seen better,
His shield, his sword,
The fists, all landed him here,
And he knew the last thing
of what to say.

They are who he is.
She is who she was.
But where does one draw the boundary?
Of when to be proud,
And when to be ashamed.
While he sat in the dark,
staring at her back.

She,
She'd waited too long,
She knew what she wanted.
It was him.
But it had been a long time coming.
And the shield,
Had seen better,
The fists, landed her there.

Her back sleek,
So was her future.
One she intended to defend,
Fight for.
It had been a long time coming,
It was time to face the wave,
Even if it got her to her knee.

Every sunrise and sunset,
It was by his name she swore.
That with every distance it would grow,
And the threshold of her patience,
Was slimming,
Anything but slow.

Her sleek back,
Left behind.
She faced forward,
To the war zone she knew nothing of,
But,
It was the future,
It is the life.

The wave won't carry her.
She 's stronger than the weakness on her knee,
For every time there is a need,
She'll blow it off and do what is expected of her,
Even if it breaks what's left of her.

I'M HUMAN...

I'm human,
I walk, and I run,
I can cry, and I can fight.

All that I've been,
Make it so.

The choices I've made,
The marks I've left.

All the best show who I've been.




I'm only human,
My daughter's mother,
My husband's wife,
I know not how to be anyone else.

I'm human,
I've made mistakes,
Moves I've regretted soon as I committed them,
Sins I have paid for in ways only I understand,
Loved those who did not deserve it,
Cursed those I should have held dear.

Am I not human?
Twisted in ways even humans cannot undo?

My nature has allowed me to do what I thought was right.
To be the wife I should be,
Become the queen of my kingdom.

I am human,
Only human.

I can see all you se,
And take in a different view,
See what you see,
And listen to what you hear,
But when the sun goes down,
I will only write my story,
With the pen only I hold.

But I don't want to be you,
To hide behind the rights and the wrongs,
Of rules I do not understand.
I'm only human.
I am this human.
 

THE WOMAN I BECAME...

The woman I became,
Long after I waded the sea,
Perhaps having been tamed,
To see what others see,
With nothing to gather me the fame,
I had to become what I was destined to be.

The woman I became,
Close to what I should have dreamt,
Other paths may have crossed mine the same,
But nothing to deter the vigour to discard all that would make me lame.

The woman I became,
Full of life when all felt lost,
Mastering the art of laughter,
Even though sometimes forced.



The woman I became,
Trudging forward when all roads led back,
Even though sometimes it made more sense to go back.
Believing in oneself when all said 'doubt',
Knowing I could everything but back out.

The woman I became,
One I should hold with pride,
For all I knew brought me here,
Not high or near,
To what others thought.
But then,
No soul has strength on our paths,
But powers we ourselves accord them.

The woman I became,
Felt lost at some point,
And attracted nothing you'd term beautiful,
Knew to my hip and breast,
That no more could rescue me,
And so it changes,
And the same hip and breast,
Gave me the urge to keep on.

It's what it takes,
To lie so low,
Nothing can bring you higher,
Or take you lower,
To know only you realise how deep in you are,
That only you, 
Can bring you back to sealevel

The woman I became,
Tired from all the fighting at the battlefield,
Nothing but my strength became the strong shield,
Blocking my heart, from all the orders to yield.

The woman I became,
Is the woman I am.
I will die of anything but shame,
For what I have been.
For as little as the ant's remains of cane,
I will be the woman I am.




   

WHEN IT IS DARK...

When it is dark,
And I cannot find you,
I lay near,
And have thoughts of you guide me,
Into memories I have learnt to keep dear.

Because they make me,
They define me,
and who I am,
Is all I have,
when you are not near.



At the war front,
Let these very memories be your armour.

So should you be filled with fear,
All you ever need to do is search inside.

Don't look back,
A what could have been,
And wasn't.
What should've been.

Because I'm here.

Not a single memory will blow,
In the winds that touch my face,
But not as soft as yours.

You should be here.

Where I can lend an ear,
To more than a phone to my ear.

Past are the weeks,
Months and years,
Of things you've not seen but only hear,
No regrets,
Nor tears,
just far-cast fears,
Of how many more I have to wait,
Months and years.

I WALKED BY THE BEACH

I walked by the beach,
Though he was so far,
I could make love to him.

His gaze,
His skin,
Glowing in the dark,
So bright I could feel it so close.

However far he was from me,
I could smell his scent.
That's how I knew he is mine.


He had none of me on him,
His being too refined to be part of mine.
My Mozart, I called him.

Every step,
Every breath,
Taken on thoughts of him.

Prosperity never felt too good,
Love never looked so sweet,
Tears never as warm as the sand on my feet,
My hand in his.

He looked at me,
Past me,
With his sight cast on the goal,
That has none of me on it.

White veil,
Black lace,
Red heart,
All sewn to make,
None but me.

I have a plan.

Get him on the chariot,
Ride with him to places only I know.
Shouts, screams and cries,
Whispers, laughter and ties.

Swords, shields and arrows,
Shawls, feather and straw,
The push and the pull,
While I make love to him.

I walked on the beach,
His hand intertwined with his wife's,
His gaze on his children,

My breath,
Nothing but my own. 

HOLD ME TOGETHER...

Hold me together,
when all seems like the emptiness in the wind,

Hold me together,
when all I am is at my tether's end,
And all I can do is watch from a distance as it all falls apart,

Hold me together,
That's all I ask in this stormy weather,


When all my being threatens to scatter,
and all I am is on the loose,

Hold me together,
for I have been here before,
And I cannot do it again,

Hold me together is all I can say,
Before I break into pieces,
So many I can't find the rest of me,

Hold me together is all I can say,
Bind me to myself,
Make me who I am,
Stick me to my beliefs,
Preach to me my gospel,
Tell me my name,
Say it out loud,

Hold me together so I do not come running,
Walking or crawling,

Hold me,
So hard I'll forget what you are,
What path you take,

Hold me together so I can be me again,

I lost myself once,
I shouldn't do it again,
I won't,

Hold me together,
That's what gift I give me today.

MARILYN MONROE...

Love without tragedy,

Of rivers flowing,

With no falls,

Yet such behold more  beauty,

Than what you once thought my face was,

The sadness that engulfs my heart,


Bigger,

Deeper,

Than the oceans,

And the seas,

Am I too deluded,

To wish for,

Hope for,

Pray for,

Believe in,

Soft petals,

And banded tuxedos,

White veils,

And lacy dresses,

Long to my feet,

Hiding all the sins,

We committed together,

The best years of my years,

Should be,

Would be,

Were meant to be,

Spent being your Marilyn Monroe.

In this day and age,

who bears a mole,

Black in all its darkness,

Brought me more brightness,

Than the long lacy dress,

Could ever bring me.

It tames all,

In the wildness that surrounds me,

But leaves you out.

Love does not die twice.

Nothing compares,

To all I have done already,

Hide myself,

Hide my heart,

Dance to tunes only I know,

Only I can hear,

Amidst whispers,

In my arms you sway,

In my fingers you slip away,

Though I am no more,

I'm your Marilyn Monroe.

 

IT'S YOU ALRIGHT...

I don't know what I'm doing.
It's you alright.
The silence that surrounds me when I think of you,
It should be enough to tell me I should stop.
But you,
You are the taste of beautiful sin.
I have to keep you a secret though.
I don't know what I'm doing.
It's you alright.

The feelings you evoke,
Were long buried,
So deep I forgot they existed.
However,
You took me in and unburied me,

Washed off the dirt that I thought was too much a stain,
For clean hands as yours.
I don't know what I'm doing,
It's you alright.

What makes you so attractive,
Is how forbidden you are.
The intensity you bring to the plate,
Makes you more than just food,
To sustain my ever swelling appetite.
We should draw boundaries you know,
Of what rivers to cross,
What lands to till,
What crop to harvest.
I don't know what I'm doing,
It's you alright.

Am I allowed?
Should I pull back?
Are you as lost as I am?
Yes?
Well, see, that more than proves me right,
That we are indeed wrong to be here.
The fear in us is too much,
I don't know what I'm doing,
It's you alright.

I will keep at it,
If you promise to own this woman,
Let me be what you are,
And you what I am.
Please me,
Forgive my greed,
Embrace my being,
Allow me to let you in,
I hope you stay until I am no more.
Until I come as low as I was,
Before you saved me.
I do know what I'm doing.
It's you alright.
 

MY MUSIC...

Music,

The speaker to my soul,
 

Of my soul.

That talks when I have voice none.

The listener when I need to cry,

And the fuel of my joy.

Only he can understand what I’m trying not to say.

To sing it maybe.

All the keys,

The pitch,

Not too high,

Not too low.
 

Every beat,

In line with my heart

Beat,

In a bit,

You may see it,

With your ears

Open to what they say better

In voices in straighter lines,

Than the homophobe

Getting into roles I wouldn’t have the chance to know

In a world full of nothing but 

Rhythm and rhyme

Forgetfulness,

Of sadness overstaying in thine heart

Or happiness too short-lived

To win over the feeling far away

From my mate

Whose heart knows no beat 

But the song I play

The rest might come too soon,

Disrupt all tunes known to me,

Perhaps to him too

As I lay my heart out

Open to any music you play for me

With me

In harmony,

I will skip over to your side,

Play the keys,

Of the piano

That only you and I know

Bestowed peace,

My body will know,

As I swing to the movement of my heart

To the beat of your drum

All strings,

Carefully placed in your hands

Like you are on my mind

Hold me

Like the cello

Loosely,

Yet firm enough to play tunes

That bring forth sweetness I have not known before

The deepest of them all,

The sound of your voice,

My hip will swing,

My feet I will tap,

At the call of your flute,

The struck of your violin,

My shakers not too far,

I am bound to enjoy this song.

Play with me.

Sing with me.

PATIENT AM I NOT?....

I will sit here,
Holding my breath,
Because that is all I have masterd
With love as absent as yours.

Not a moment passes by 
That I don't pray for your soul,
That it would cease to be so dark,
So dark.
So dark yet it attracted me?
Your emotional absence overwhelms me
In ways, even I, don't understand.

Treading through the life you have subjected me to,
To a destination I have not known.

With every step, 
You thrash my heart,
And subject me to hate I am yet to understand.
I am yet to understand
I am yet to understand that which you give me without knowing?

Life passes me by,
And with every breath I ask my soul to hold on.

Patient, am I not?
Foolish as well, it's true.

If foolishness will lead me to a warmer heart that is you,
Then being clever is a choice I'd rather throw to the dogs.

I still believe.
That with a soul as dark as yours,
Man as heartless as you,
Is capable of loving just fine.

Patient, am I not?
Foolish as well, it's true.

It's true, that you, my love,
Can share in my foolishness,
And lighten your heart,
With the bright that is in mine.


 

 

A CHANCE AT LOVE...

Give me one,

Not three,

Not four,

For I have none.

My heart's too cold.

Tread on the lonely road again my heart will not.




I am at my tether's end,

Should you ask me to leave now,

I shall not look back.

Buckets have been kicked before,

And mine is too near,

And oh my leg itches.

Create in me a warmth to see me through,

For I am yet to find a love so true.

Worry not, I tell myself,

But with every thought,

I find a new knot,

On mine heart tied.

Fear surrounds me,

I who ran out of cards to cheat life with.

Time has come for me to pay up,

But not a dime is known to pockets mine.

The bottle, my new mate.

Memories linger,

Of the hue days I played the lad list,

Of who to stay and who to leave.

I am part of no list today.

But of life's mist, that covers my chance at love.