I'd gone to the beach that day,
All I could think of was to drown my sorrows in the unending ocean horizon.
It had been a while.
Being alone was not new.
It had become the new ordinary.
I'd had enough trials,
Thought I could take a break from life,
From sight,
From walking,
even crawling proved too hard.
All I needed was a pause button,
And something,
Someone to remind me that I'm alive,
Because lately, it felt like I was not alive,
Not dead,
on a pause button.
The sand beneath my feet,
The water,
Undecided on how deep it should have me in,
Leaving as soon as it arrived.
Just when I thought it was time for some cold relaxation,
Heat hit me harder than I expected.
And left me,
Cold,
All too familiar a feeling.
I decided to stop.
Stop looking,
Stop searching,
I'd picked up enough trials to last a lifetime,
I had spread myself too thin.
I did get them all,
But who am I kidding,
The scars they left were more than I wished to admit,
Deeper than I wished to look,
My own abyss,
So scary I couldn't pull myself out.
I need a pause button.
I didn't see him pass by,
The smell of art pulled me close,
I looked and saw myself,
The younger version,
Stronger,
More beautiful.
I had been here before,
I'd seen the rising sun, with its immense beauty, and waited patiently, anxiously, sadly, for noon.
It came,
And scorched harder, hotter than my skin could withstand.
I knew evening would come, when the rays would be hot, but not burning,
I admired the setting sun,
Its golden hue on his face,
A face I longed to touch all the time.
His frame, a perfect sky to have a sun,
My palms constantly itched to have him in them.
My heart knew too well the sun would set,
But my flesh,
My flesh cried for more,
Wailed,
To have time stand still,
Let the sun not set on the need to have man stay a while longer.
It set.
The cold kicked in.
The darkness of the night,
No moon merciful enough to shine down on me,
Stars, full of hatred for who I had become.
Yet, he stood by.
We didn't say much.
I couldn't look him in the eye,
But my heart knew how his brown eyes curved when he smiled,
How his lips twitched when he was being shy,
How his fingers clutched at a pebble, right before he threw it in the sea.
Common,
Was the word you'd use to define us.
Boy meets girl,
That's how simply he gauged us.
But not me.
I saw more than just a boy.
I saw more than curved eyes and twitched lips,
I saw fingers that would run down my back,
And play me like a musical instrument yet unknown.
I saw the sun rise,
When all expected sun set.
I saw golden hues,
When I should have seen dark clouds.
He'd passed me by,
I stood by the beach,
Sand beneath my feet.
My eyes curved at the sight of the unending ocean horizon,
My lips twitched at the thought of a cold heart,
My fingers picked a pebble,
And threw it far as I could,
Perhaps,
I hit my pause button.
It's the breath you cannot claim,
The time you cannot have back.
It's the laughter, the memories,
So deep you cannot come to terms with the reality.
Walking around, everybody seems alright,
But they shouldn't be.
Who gave them the right?
While you lay there, cold like a log,
While we wet your body with our tears,
They should have known,
that life has robbed us of all we knew was right,
What do we do in the night?
If not take walks with you?
Day,
If not talk to you,
Stare at you,
Live life with you,
Living.
We shouldn't do that.
No screams, no tears,
No amount of living could bring back that which you gave us.
How do we take the first step?
How to look back and use that,
To tread forward?
We know not how to live life anymore.
With your death came mine.
All powers are against me.
We were against the world,
The strongest pair you ever saw.
In my darkness, you saw light.
In my smile, you saw the deep sadness.
And even though I was ugly inside,
You told me I was the most beautiful you ever saw.
My nakedness,
Perfection in your eyes.
I did not have to hide.
My tears you washed away,
Yet now, you are nowhere to be found.
I cry at the thought of not seeing you,
Not touching you,
Not breathing the air you breathe.
Someone free me from these shackles of sadness.
I cannot take a step,
Be who I am without you here.
I should leave you be.
For although you left,
I live,
With nothing but the ghost of you.
The city lights,
Though surrounded in darkness,
Shine through, Reminding me of you.
Not the light above me,
Or the ground beneath me,
Can tell the sight of my heart.
Too small for joy it seems,
Too large for sorrow,
Though surrounded by millions of you,
Not one can replace you.
My steps are forward but moving back.
Every step counts, no
My heart beat pounds, no
If my fist could guard my heart,
If my kicks could take me far enough,
It would be a miracle,
To see my frown turned upside down.
My vision's still blurry,
And I can't help but think I see you clearly.
Rip my heart away,
Replace it with my fist because it can put up a better fight.
Take away my smile,
My eyes will say all my mouth will stutter.
I'll be picking pieces of you,
In every one of them is a bit of me.
In the city lights,
Though they flicker,
They make it through the night.
Of days passed,
And beasts within.
Never did I dream of one day flying so high.
Hope's a wonderful thing,
It had made a warrior from the timid girl I once knew.
Not every war is meant to be won,
Not every tear is meant to cause sadness.
Sometimes,
Our most genuine emotions are the ones that may put us in harm's way,
But the very thing that caused you trouble,
Will give you the armour you need to fight your battles.
Going on your knees may not always mean submission.
May give you the ample space to drive your spear through thine enemy's heart.
But the ability to fight off the urge, will cut you from the crowd,
Will make you king.
Every lesson is a new weapon to win your many battles.
But then again, is that what t is about?
Winning?
Knowing ones goal will set them apart,
Cut them from the group,
Knowing how to get to it,
Will keep you at the top of the group.
Music,
Beautiful rhythm that makes one dance.
Wind,
Like that which wheezes between your fingers,
Touch,
Like that of a baby's palm,
Will be the centre of your soul.
Every high has its low,
Every king his mistress,
And every strength, a weakness.
Know yours.
It is the first step towards making the person that is you become what you never thought you could be.
Hope,
Makes a better you,
King with the mistress,
High with the low,
Strength, with the weakness.
Bring me to life,
Clear the water from my head.
Bring me to light,
Keep the darkness at bay.
Let me see what I was meant to see, clear the cloud from my eye.
See me put up a fight,
It is all I am left to do.
The waters are rising,
My feet losing feeling.
I am kicking and shouting,
No.
Not a single sound.
Bring me to life,
I am yet done.
Bring me a tag,
Write survivor on it.
My breath was hard earned,
and hard it will be given away.
Bring me to sanity,
Help me understand what it is like to want to stay, not leave.
Bring me to love,
It is the only engine a fighter can ride on.
When did I stop dreaming?
And believing even though I had wings small like a weaver bird's,
I could soar high like an eagle?
When did I take a back seat, and laid back so I couldn't take any better views, except for a few blurry ones?
When?
Did I say it is all right to be second, third, fourth or fifth,
Instead of being the best I could be
A master of my own art.
An artist so gifted, you are yet to see your best?
When did I stop dreaming, of becoming a painter?
When all that mattered would be my canvas and my brushes,
And I would pour it all out, lay my very being on my canvas?
My tears, my laughter, my sweat and my blood,
All for the sake of life.
Do not go through it.
Live it.
Every moment counts.
Every breath high-valued.
My canvas, my means to validate my dreams,
My brushes, the sword with which to fight this war.
A war I should never have stopped fighting,
Because when you do,
You stop being an eagle.
I couldn't hold on to anything else,
Only the coin in my hand,
It couldn't possibly buy much,
But it was money all right,
The coin in my hand,
More than I'd held in a long time,
I should have known it wasn't enough to buy all I wanted,
It's called faith you see.
When all wits tell you there isn't much you can do,
There isn't much you can believe in.
Facing fears,
To move a step from the shores,
The signs were all there,
I could but see them so clearly.
I didn't know what else I could do,
Say,
What steps I could,
Or could not take.
Knowing thyself,
That even when everyone knows you are holding on to a lot.
All you are aware of is the single silver coin you hold in your hand,
All your fingers clutch the tightest they possibly could,
Taming your heart into blocking out the break,
That comes from taking it all out,
The fear,
That you'll have nothing left,
But gives you strength to clutch harder,
At your single silver coin.
