I've been fighting wars I didn't even know existed,
And every time I thought it was over,
I heard the sound of it again.
In vain I tried to stop,
But I couldn't,
I just couldn't.
When the noises stopped,
I thought the silence would bring peace.
Pieces of me were strewn across my face,
Everyone who looked at me saw but the broad smile.
I've been fighting wars I thought I could win alone.
I thought I am the strongest daughter my mother brought forth,
Sometimes the strength I ride on is borrowed.
I don't like to dwell on debts.
My peace I hold dear,
Even when it is the only thing keeping me from stopping the wars.
I've been fighting long and hard,
My knuckles have bled,
My fingers are no more.
The little strength I have left is only meant to keep me on my feet.
I am tired.
Somebody sound the alarm,
Call the police, call the doctors,
The paramedics should rush to this scene,
The scenes they will find are not far from a gory accident.
The blood in here should show you the struggles I have endured,
I'm short of breath,
And my body is covered in bruises.
I am not lying down.
I am on my feet.
Though I do not know I am at war,
I am on the winning side.
Though surrounded with pools of blood,
I am on my feet.
I stepped my foot into the water,
And let it all out.
I left it all behind.
Step after another,
Before I know it,
I'll be in,
Perhaps safer from the past I have known.
So deep the whole of me will be submerged.
A truth I have longed for,
Longer than a single breath can take,
To last longer than a breath.
The ebbs and whirls, a truth I have established.
I want to do it all with you.
Surviving in the deep may be hard,
Deep enough to want a partner,
Though none forthcoming,
Or am I unlucky?
The single woman's dream,
To have a guiding hand in the water,
On a waist as lean as mine,
Hands softer than yours, I am yet to see,
Feel.
But I am willing to share your breath.
For mine will soon run out.
You have taken the whole of me.
Be part of me,
Deep as I am in the water.
Scared I may have been at the beginning, of whence to come up for breath.
Each instant so fast,
I'm not sure I caught enough.
Did I breath in deep enough?
When will it run out?
The swim, I look forward to,
The guiding touch that is your hand,
One to hold one's breath over.
The palm of your hand on my lean waist,
And your reassuring voice,
Closer than my ear.
And I start to run out of breath,
My mistakes flash before me.
My kicks don't seem hard enough,
My scream not loud enough.
I'm going under.
My hands reach out for you, are you there?
I begin my end, with the acceptance that I am who I am,
Alone in the waters,
Trying to make the best of what's left of me,
But I reach out,
The water, it slips through my fingers.
I want to make what's left bigger than the single first step.
And then you carry me,
Your hands on my lean waist,
Nothing softer than your guiding hand,
The sound of your voice,
Closer than my ear.
When it's all said and done,
When I can't let you leave,
When I know how deep this is,
Where it comes from,
All but borrowed happiness.
When I know I can't breathe when you are not with me,
When I see your face in all I see.
When your name is the most beautiful part of my life,
The most beautiful sound I have had to hear,
All but borrowed happiness.
When I am more than willing to step down,
Be who I wasn't before,
More than willing to let you win,
And every time it kills me,
A slow death I am not struggling to keep away,
For borrowed happiness.
The pain in my hands and feet,
One I pray will not reach my heart like a bacteria,
Eat up my flesh until I am no more.
Feel the power leave me and sit on you,
Your throne, one I am willing to bow before,
For the sake of borrowed happiness.
My breasts heave in longing for your embrace,
My fingers,
They shake to have you within reach.
My eyes are dry from the rivers and rivers of tears.
Still, I choose to stay,
Let you lay with me and not feel the warmth,
In search of borrowed happiness.
My rescue, the ability to forget,
When I am no longer who I used to be,
All my fabric lost in search of a heart so cold I can't breathe anymore,
For borrowed happiness.
The time I long for,
When it is all said and done,
When I can let you leave,
When I do not know how deep this is,
Where it came from,
For my happiness.
When I know I can breathe when you are not with me,
When I do not see your face in all I see.
When your name is not the most beautiful part of my life,
The most beautiful sound I never had to hear,
For my happiness.
I promise,
That one day you will look back and it will not be the same.
The fear of what might be, what never was.
The ability to look beyond is not easy to master, but I promise,
It ends.
Once I walked that path,
And like a child,
I thought it was the best I never walked before.
Foolish I thought I had been,
For taking too long.
Now I stand at the finish line,
Looking back over my shoulder,
It seems the most intriguing journey I took.
I am not the same girl that stood at the beginning.
Old now,
Wiser too.
A woman I am proud to be.
The horror I have had to wash off with my bare hands,
The dirt I saw drip from my skin,
Every grain a worthy effort.
With every scrub,
I became the glow you see today.
I have travelled a path long enough,
And because I am human I promise I will walk that life again,
Read that page again.
The understanding and peace that comes with it,
All prices I am but willing to pay for.
My prize sits at the very end.
It ends, I promise.
And then it starts again,
And you choose to walk it,
Letting go makes the trip fair,
A clean slate, no judgements on previous opinions.
That, is the beauty therein,
That though it ends, you have the choice to do it again.
You always do.
