Sunday 24 June 2018

DEPRESSION: Welcome Home ...

http://moziru.com/images/drawn-spectacles-face-4.jpg 

I sat on the edge of the seat

It was 8pm.

He comes home at 8pm.

I clutch on the baby and with every movement I hear around the gate, secretly hope it's him.

First disturbance, not him.

Second, still not him.

I give up, telling myself he'll come when he'll come.

Knock, knock, knock.

Three times, like he always does.

I have this anxiety I cannot explain.

And to fix it, he promised he would always knock three times, so I know it's him.

I can't jump to the door, he'll know I was holding my breath.

But what's wrong with him knowing that?

There I go again, fighting my anxiety with more anxiety.

He's home.

I keep clutching on the baby, really fighting this anxiety.

He puts his load down, and looks at me.

I am avoiding eye contact.

I can't hide this excitement

Unless I look away.

I am looking away.

I can smell the fresh bread he brought.

I love freshly baked bread.

He notices I ignored him, and instead takes the baby away.

My arms are empty.

What will hide my anxiety now?

The glasses.

Thank God for my tinted glasses.

I adjust them, and my hand remains on my face.

I can hide my face with my hands.

Why did I not think of that before.

Sbho takes away the bread, and God knows what else he brought.

My attention is taken away by the overly-loud TV.

I'm not really watching, I just need something to take my attention away from the fact that I feel naked.

Sitting here like this, my arms empty, my glasses adjusted. I feel - exposed.

He is grabbing my arm.

Pulling me to him.

Signals me to follow him to the cave.

The baby.

Where's the baby?

He's not here.

I don't see him.

Maybe with Sbho.

It's just me and him.

No TV to distract everything.

He's looking at me, I am not looking at him, but I can feel his eyes on me.

He removes the glasses.

His, not mine.

He comes closer.

Places his hands on my shoulder. 

Darling.

Is that me?

Is he calling me?

He calls me that all the time.

The doctor says focus on one thing at a time.

He says that will help.

Right now,

There's his naked eyes with no glasses

There's Darling

I think that's my name

Or maybe not.

I don't know

I'm not sure anymore

And my heart,

Why is it thudding?

The doctor had a name for it

Anxiety?

That's the answer he seems to have for all of my problems.

Take deep breaths, he says.

I am taking those now.

More than the tabs he prescribed.

Did I take them today?

I am focusing on one thing finally

The taste of his lips.

Oh it tastes good.

Don't stop.

Why's he stopping?

The smell of his neck

The silky soft touch of his fingers

His soft Afro

His lashes batting on my skin

The tremor on his when I run my fingers on him

The calm in me, when I finally get to say

Welcome home.













Thursday 14 June 2018

DEPRESSION: Keyhole ...

It had been the awards season. Dela's heart had been pounding from the day she received notification on her nomination. It had been something she and Derrick had been praying for.

They talked about it several times, over coffee, drinks, sometimes while lying in bed naked.

They shared dreams, some of which were so wild they were sure they would almost never come true. Yet, here she was, her poetry had led her to places, well, she did imagine.

With Derrick, they had even rehearsed a possible acceptance speech. He had a special mention. But would that be the order of the day tonight?

Dela met Abel on a night as cold and dark as this. He was with friends who accompanied Dela's sister to a friend's birthday party. 

He struck her. How could he not? He had quite the presence. Hard to miss. His jacket. It fit perfectly. There was something about a bearded man with glasses and a fitting jacket.

If the jacket was suede, then that was a closed case. Abel's was suede.  The case, however, was not closed because he seemed to be in a girl's company.

But this did not seem to deter Dela because when she ran into him at the buffet table, "Are you here alone?" was among the first things she asked.

"Umm ... no, actually."

There is something about catching a guy's attention that every girl should learn. Grab him by the neck but don't kill. Let go and walk away. Not literally.

Fast forward to a day later, and there he was. Abel. In all his glory. In Dela's time line. Asking how she got home after the party.

She could see the direction the relationship could possibly take. Relationship? What relationship? She was assuming things again.

"He doesn't even know I exist," she told herself, and opted to log off.

Before she could sign out completely, a notification popped up.

"You seem busy."

She may not have held the key that turned in the keyhole, but with that last text, she opened the floodgate.

Sunday 6 May 2018

He Suffers Now ...


















My

heart,

'Twas

always

yours

to

take

You

did.

And

now

all

that's

left,

Nothing

but

a

cold

stone.

He

suffers

now

Turn Your Face...





















Turn

your

face,

See

the

darkness

in

mine

Plant

your

fingers

on

it

That

I

may

be

the

light

again

Open Arms...











  


As
sure
as
you
decided
to
spread
open
your
arms
to
invite
me
in,

Be
sure
to
lock
them
when
I
try
to
walk
away

Abyss

















In this abyss I sit alone

The sound of my heartbeat my latest 

Company

Most sacred

Most revered

I may call out to you to come sit with me,


But it does not mean,


I need you to be part of my


Heartbeat


My latest company


In this abyss I sit alone

Sunday 14 January 2018

IRREVERSIBLE: YOU CAN DO ANYTHING




It had been a long day. Tess thought what better way to head on down to the club. She put on her best dress, something she had not done in a while. 

Tiff’s dad had done quite a number on her. For the first time in her life she had learnt to avoid mirrors. She could not explain how something that felt so right at one point would look and feel so wrong in another.

Pink dress that showed off her legs. Tiny purse that only fit lose change and a cheap phone loaded with airtime and the driver’s number on speed dial #1. She was all set.
It had become clear, that life owed nobody nothing – not even this senator’s daughter. 

Her father owned the world, but her pride would not let her ask for help. Sometimes this worked against her, but a woman’s pride is her crown. She puts it down and she would have nothing left to pick it up.

After the nasty divorce from Tiff’s dad Vic, it had become apparent that she’d have to tread carefully. Staying Alive had become the soundtrack to this phase of her life.
She left the house and headed to the club. It had been a while.

Back in the day, she would have been interested in dancing and pulling off the latest moves. But tonight, she was only interested in the noise. She needed something to dull the noise in her own head, asking for explanations on what happened; Whose life was she living? Is this it? Is this what she sacrificed and worked so hard for? 

The answer was yes, and just like the crown of pride on her head, she was going to embrace the lemon she had been served. No interest in making lemonade, tequila was more like it.

Tess is at the bar, the bar attender is easy on the eye and she starts having ideas.
“I could pick him up.”
But she brushes it off, since she may have to come back. And she was not one to shit where she eats – or drinks.
As her mind wandered she heard a voice she recognized ordering a round for table 31. She looked up and there he was. Walter.

They took Linguistics together back in college. They had not been much of friends then, but hey, here she was in a bar with a familiar face. They made small talk before he suggested,
“Come join us. The whole team is here.”

“In a minute, let me make a quick call.”

She wasn’t up to it. Tess had gone to the club to enjoy the noise “alone”. Save for the bar attender, she cared little about cheap talk and laughing at stale jokes, especially from people she cared little about.

Again her mind wanders – either the bar attender is getting hotter by the minute or the gin is sinking in. Perhaps it is time to call Bobo the driver.

“Hey”

Before Tess could turn to respond, the hair at the back of her neck revealed just who this person was – only one person had that effect on her.

“(clearing her throat and turning to face him) Hey”

Daniel.

Is there a place this man did not exist! Tess thought going to the club was a great idea of a getaway. The idea just kept proving to be horrible by the passing minute.

Daniel wanted it all, but was not willing to give the equivalent. He had so much influence on her peace of mind, she knew little about turning him down.

“Umm… you.. are here,” she stuttered.

Clearly the gin had found a home.

“Walter…”

“Yes, Walter was here,” Tess was struggling to keep the conversation going.

She tried to get up, call Bobo, but dialing a speed dial was not as efficient as she thought it would be.

She’s getting dizzy and can feel the ground moving. 

Obviously it is not – the gin is.

“I could take you home,” he says.

There was never a thought as perfect and horrible at the same time. Tess knows this.
Before she can tell the difference, he picks her up and two things happen. One, how strong can one man be? Two, she is never taking gin at this club again, especially if Walter shows up.

Tess passes out and confidently lays her head on Daniel’s chest.

She can feel the car moving, to a destination she knows not. She passes out.
Few minutes later, they stop. Again, she knows not where.

Daniel swipes the hair off of her face, running his index finger on her cheek. Tess is not sure what is happening or about to happen. But she plays dead asleep, to which he opens up to stuff she had no idea even existed.

“If only we hadn’t let go of each other then, things would be so different now. I miss you, even if it is not what you feel. I sat there, in the crowd, and watched you make promises to someone else. I can’t just get over that at the blink of an eye.

“I have needs, and she satisfies them. You and I have history, but she’s my future.”

Tears. They gave Tess away. She woke up, not knowing where they were, but she knew she needed to get away. The gin probably knew this too, because all of a sudden her system was as clear as the night’s sky. 

The moon seemed so huge, too much light doing little to hide her sparkly eyes, which were now filled with salty tears.

Tess takes a deep breath, and spots a familiar trash can. That’s her trash can. She’s in her neighbourhood. 

The red bottoms and short dress were a good idea, but it all read discomfort at this moment. She pulls them off and walks barefoot to her door. He’s following closely in silence. Tess lets herself in and walks straight to the kitchen.

Trying to open a chilled bottle of water, she says, “Thanks for the ride. You can leave now.”

He walks closer to her.

“You can leave,” why can’t she open this goddamn bottle.
Daniel’s still coming closer.

“You should go, seriously.”

She turns her face away, because even though she acts like it’s all good, she is fighting back tears that should not fall while he’s still here.

He grabs the bottle from her hands, to which she attempts to walk past him and into the adjacent room. Daniel gets a hold of her hand, says nothing but comes closer still. 

His towering height too close. Even though her heart is burning from the uncalled for confession, she knows it is hard to resist him, especially with his arms around her waist now.

He tilts his head, and lifts her face with his index finger.

She’s shaking, she does not know why. But the statement escapes her wet lips, “What are you doing?”

“Do you want me to stop?” Daniel says.

Silence.


Saturday 13 January 2018

IRREVERSIBLE: WITHOUT YOU



It had been a long day. She would be home alone on a Sunday with Tiff.

Daniel called.
The thought of him showing up had crossed Tess’s mind, but she let it slide. She had learnt not to expect much with Daniel. So when he called, she didn’t know what to make of it.

“Hi”

“Hallo”

“I’m at the hospital entrance”

She felt her throat run dry. But deep down she was a bit excited.

“Umm… okay.”

“Are you gonna give me directions to the house or what?”

So that escalated fast. Tess was a bit confused, but he was there. She couldn’t ask him to go away. That would be rude.

“There’s a stalled yellow truck on the other side of the road. Walk past it and towards the coca cola kiosk. My house is the third gate after the kiosk.”

She was over trying to look good. Tiff was some piece of work. If the house was clean, and the baby was fed, that was all that mattered.

He walked in and went straight to the kitchen. Daniel put down the groceries and started preparing a quick meal.

The salutations exchanged were pretty normal. And usual.

Honestly Tess was just glad she wasn’t alone. Spending time with Tiff was an exciting thought. But when it came to actually doing it, she got exhausted after 30 minutes. She had a new found appreciation for the nanny!

The food was done. The baby was asleep. They could finally sit down, catch a breath.

“You know you didn’t even say hi to me…”

She looked at him and smiled. Walked right to where he was sitting and took his hands.

Tess signalled him to stand up and she opened up her arms to receive his wide frame.

The hug felt warm.

It was slowly starting to leave the friend zone and into uncharted waters.

Tess pulled away and tried to leave.

He sat down and held onto her hand.

Daniel had not been clear about what he wanted and where they stood.
For all she knew, he had a significant other in his life.
Tess wanted nothing more than to be the only one, but the way her life was set up. Only a fraction of him was available. She hated this reality.

“Please don’t go,” he said.

Tess looked at him, and though she did not say it out loud, all that played in her mind was, “I don’t think I can be happy in my life without you.”

Daniel went on, “Come here.”

She walked back, and sat next to him. She is looking at him, and he is looking at her lips.

He’s coming closer, and she can feel his hand on her face.

"Tess ... Tess," Daniel whispers. 

His breath is warm. She wants to taste him.
Daniel was almost close enough, when Tiff woke up and started calling, “Mommy”.